Death Note Cops
by VorticalFiveStudios
Summary: AU. Mello is an idiotic police officer with a habit of making things explode. Near is his partner, best friend, and the only thing keeping him from getting himself killed by accident. Working for the toughest police chief in history, Ryuzaki, the two must work together catch dumbest criminals and solve the stupidest mysteries. Based off of Halo 4 cops.
1. Chapter 1

**Death Note Cops Episode 1- Pilot**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing._

"Sir, I'm gonna need you to- OW!" Mello wasn't able to finish his sentence. He was punched in the face by the man he was talking to, knocking him to the ground. Then the man walked over to him and began beating the living crap out of him. "AH, EH, OH, GAH, HONEY BOO BOO!" The man then walked away. "Oh god, what was the point of that!? You had a goddamn tail light out! I wasn't arresting you, I was just letting you know! Oh my god, so many punches at once! Oh, what is that guy, some sort of body builder!? Oh ho, god! I hate my job!"  
Mello's partner, Near, walked over to him. "Hey, Mello," the albino boy said.  
"Oh, Near." Mello got up. "Did you see that guy? He just straight up kicked my ass."  
"Oh yeah. Quite the police officer you are, Mello."  
"Oh, shut up, Near. You didn't get your ass kicked by a body builder."  
"That guy wasn't a body builder. He was the same size as me. That shouldn't really even matter, since you have a taser."  
"What the hell happened to us, Near? Look at us. We're on parking detail and trafficking! We saved the world! And this is all we get!?"  
"Well Mello, maybe this is just how it was meant to be. Maybe we aren't cut out for the high, intense life of the actual police officers and detectives."  
"Actual police officers? Near, we are BETTER, than actual police officers and detectives. With our combined intelligence we were able to take down a man who could kill, only needing a pen, book, name and face! We should have our own fucking show! I mean yeah, we appear in like, half of the death note series, but we're better than that, man. We should have our own shot at the spotlight and- HEY!" Mello began to yell at someone else. "Do not skate board in that parking lot! I swear to god, I will put my shoe up your fucking ass, you little shit! Oh, oh great, you see that Near? Not even children respect us; he just flipped me off... And pulled down his pants and... Oh god. That's disgusting."  
"Did that guy just take a shit in the middle of the parking lot?"  
"That was probably the worst fuck you I have ever seen done to a police officer. At the same time I feel kind of proud."  
"Well at least he was creative."  
"Alright that is it, I am going to go and talk to the chief, and we are getting our own show damn it... Right after I yell at that old lady for parking in that handicap spot." Mello than began to run to the car."  
"Wait, Mello, she's old. Maybe she needs it."  
"I don't see a goddamn handicap parking space sign on her car. I'm gonna go give her one for. HEY YOU! OLD BITCH! Don't move! What the hell do you think you're doing, you just parked in a handicap spot! Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to believe that you were about to get your sign out of your glove box? And let me guess, your cane is in the backseat that you were just gonna grab to make it look like you were supposed park here?... Don't back talk me old bitch, I hooked a guy's testicles to my car battery and made him explode! Twice! Don't make me do that to you your old saggy tits! What are you doing? Don't ignore me, I am an officer of the law and... And you're pulling out your cane... From the back of your car. And your showing me your handicap parking space sign that was in your glove box... Near! I think we're gonna have to go to human resources!"  
"Oh... Fuck."

_LATER AT THE STATION_

"Can I honestly speak freely and say how absolutely fucking retarded you two are?" asked their boss, Ryuzaki.  
"We're sorry sir," Near and Mello said in unison.  
"Near, in all honesty I feel sorry for you, being partnered with this fucking lunatic. You seriously went up to an old lady who parked in a handicap spot, told her that you would blow her up, by attaching your car battery, to her old saggy tits, thus, causing her to explode!? Twice!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO!?"  
"Well sir," Mello started. "In my defense I-"  
"No! Shut your goddamn mouth, I don't wanna hear it! You two are the worst damn officers I have on my force. And somehow, being so, you've caught the attention of VorticalFiveStudios's fan fiction account!"  
"We did?" Near and Mello asked in unison.  
"Yes. They called me up, and they said they'd like to discuss with me letting you guys off, and giving you your own show."  
"No fucking way!" Mello yelled in excitement. "Really!?"  
"Chief," said Near. "You're really gonna sign off on this?"  
"Well at first I wasn't," Ryuzaki said. "But then I thought about it a little more and realized that if you guys have your own show, everyone will get to see what kind of fuck ups you are and maybe I can get you transferred or fired, and out of my life forever."  
"Oh c'mon chief," Mello said. "We're not that bad."  
"Not that bad? Whatever. Let me tell you something though. If this deal goes through and you get your own show, my eye is gonna be on you, like a fly on a pile of shit. You aren't gonna be able to do so much as to take a shit, without me knowing about it! Do you understand? This show is gonna be incredible. And I want 110% out of both of you, cause guess what? I'm starring in it too. It's gonna be like cops on television... but better... I think. Ah hell, I don't know. Either way, sit outside. VorticalFive64 is gonna be here in a couple of minutes, and we're gonna discuss everything."

_LATER OUTSIDE_

"Can you believe it Near?" asked Mello. "Our own show."  
"Mello," said Near. "I really don't know if this is such a great idea."  
"Oh c'mon, Near. Don't get cold feet on me now. This is our chance! A one shot at being at the big time!"  
"We're on fan fiction, Mello. Not CBS."  
"You're right, Near. We're not on CBS. Because fan fiction's better!"  
"Actually you are kind of right."  
"No, I'm not kind of right, I am right. We're gonna do this. We are going to succeed! And it's also gonna be the type of show that people watch on Stars or HBO! Due to all the naughty language and suggestive comments made throughout the entire series. Enjoy everyone!"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Death Note Cops Episode 2- Short Stories**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing._

Hey, my dear viewers! Before we move on with the actual story, I thought I should show you all the past missions of Mello and Near so you'll understand not only their personalities in this story, but how a few other characters will act as well. If you are easily offended don't read. Enjoy!

* * *

"Alright Mello," Near whispered. This is a covert operation. We need to stay silent, or the alarms will go off. Do you understand?"

"Yes Near."

"Alright. Lets get to it." The two began quietly walking down an empty hallway. Then a noise was heard that set off the alarms. A fart coming from Mello to be specific. Near slowly turned around...

And kicked Mello where the sun doesn't shine.

* * *

"Near, whatever you do, don't lose focus," Mello said as he and his partner stood back to back with their guns raised. "The murderer could be anywhere at any given time." Suddenly, everything went dark. "Damn it, the power went out. Near do you have a flashlight?"

"Sorry Mello, I don't," Near said. "I left it in the car."

"Goddamn it. Alright, do your best Near. If you find anything, call me." It was hardly even a moment later when Mello saw the silhouette of a figure walking past him. "Near! I found him!" He tackled it to the ground.

"Mell- URK!" the figure tried to speak, but was cut off when Mello started beating the crap out of it.

"Quiet, you useless piece of dog shit! You have the right to remain silent! Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law! And-!" The lights turned back on and Mello saw the person he was punching was Near. "Oh." Mello stood up. "Hello Near."

* * *

"Oh my god, sir, are you ok!?" Near asked a man who was lying motionless on the grass next to a motorcycle.

"Yeah, I think I'm ok. I just... Had a bad accident," the man said.

"Oh, thank god. Sir, we are with the central city police department and we are calling 911 and an ambulance will be here right away."

Mello turned toward him. "An ambulance!? Fuck that, Near, there's no time! We need to strap this guy's testicles to our car battery right away to jump up his heart beat!"

"What!?"

"Sir, this'll only take a second!" Mello told the man who was now on the car.

"No, Mello, don't!"

Mello did what he said he would do, and caused two explosions. The two cops stayed silent. Until Mello turned to Near and said, "I think that went rather well."

* * *

Mello stared at a massive green rock in front of the new Shōnen Jump building. "Did... Did Shōnen Jump really choose to put their newest building right in a valley of Kryptonite?"

A man in a blue and yellow super hero outfit with a mask walked up beside him. "It appears that would be so, good citizen."

"Wait a minute. Aren't you like... Superman? Shouldn't you be affected by this crap?"

"Ha, ha. No, my good citizen, no. I am Superdeeduper man. I am not affected, by this giant green rock, that would be preposterous." Then a short and wet sounding squeak was heard coming from the superhero.

"The hell was that?"

The sound was heard again. "What was what?"

"That! That right there! Did you just rip ass?"

"Nope. Must be your imagination. I have done nothing grotesque of the sort." And again it was heard.

"See, right there! You just did it again! Did kryptonite make you have bad gas or something?"

"I told you already, kryptonite does not affect me!" And again. "Oh god, that was a good one."

"Oh, Jesus Christ! It smells like broccoli, and trash, and burnt cabbage!" And again. "Oh god, what do you eat!?"

"I'll tell you what I eat! I eat a big helping plate of evil while washing it down with a giant glass of justice!" And again. Only this time, it was really long.

"Oh ho god, it smells like baby food! I've gotta call Near!" Then he saw Superdeeduper Man running away. "Hey, where ya going?"

"To the bathroom, my good citizen!" And once again.

"Yeah man. Just keep trying to play it off. Its ok."

* * *

"GET OUT HERE AND FIGHT ME YA LITTLE BASTARDS!" Light Yagami screamed as he shot at the rock Near and Mello were hiding behind with a chain gun.

"Near, I have no idea what his problem is!" Mello said.

"Really!?" Near yelled. "You don't think it's because you deleted all of his porn and replaced it with gay porn!?"

"Hey! Gay porn is better than midget porn! I was gonna do that at first but I decided against it!"

"Why would you even have that!?"

"You know what, it doesn't matter, that's not the point. I'm gonna run out there and I'm gonna stop him! On the count of three! One!" He began running out screaming like a madman, only to return about five seconds later. "Bad idea, BAD IDEA!"

* * *

"BREATHE, DAMN IT, BREATHE!" Mello screamed as he hit someone's unconscious body.

"Mello, stop!" Near screamed. "You're breaking his ribs!"

Mello stopped for a second and looked at Near. "Shut up Near! I am not gonna have this man die on me, today!"

He began beating the body up again, until he heard the man coughing.

"Oh my god, Near, I saved him! I saved this man's life!"

Then the man went "Herrrrk... bleh," indicating that he was now either dead, or unconscious again.

"...DAMN IT!" He began to beat the body once again. "It! Doesn't! Get! Any!-" Suddenly the body just disappeared. "Uh... Where'd he go?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Death Note Cops Episode 3- Tough Beginnings**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own Death Note, Halo 4 Cops, or Batman. _

A man in a police uniform walked down the street. "This town is full of all kinds of criminals. Thieves. Rapists. Psychos. I'm the only thing that stands in their way from completely ruining this city. The other officers at the central city police department don't take their jobs seriously. They say I'm a loose cannon, but sometimes you've got to be a loose cannon to get results. Who am I? My name is officer Jack Soft. And I- UGH!" The man speaking was run over by a car.

"I'm telling you Near," the blonde man in the car said to the albino boy next to him. "I hooked up my car battery to his asshole and his dick exploded and he took off fifty feet in the other direction! It was beautiful."

Near sighed. "Mello, you just tell the grossest stories and I just don't wanna hear them anymore." Near got out of the car and walked into the police station.

Mello got out as well. "But Near, they're not stories! Their facts and-!" Then he noticed the police officer he just hit under one of the wheels of his car. "Oh, goddamn it. I hit another hobo. Uh..." Mello took out his wallet and put twenty dollars on the man's face. "Look, here's twenty bucks. No reason why we need to get the cops involved do we?" There was no response. "Good man! Enjoy your twenty-dollar bottle of... whatever. Near! Wait up!" Mello then ran in as well, quickly finding Near.

The two were greeted by the two biggest assholes they knew. A and BB. "Well, well, well," said A. "If it isn't the cock mouth brothers. How are you two teenage vaginas doing today?"

BB laughed. "Yeah! Did you hit another hobo on the way in, Mello?"

"How the hell did he know that?" Mello asked himself.

Near turned to him with eyes as wide as saucers. "You hit another one!?"

"Um... No."

Near grunted angrily. "MELLO!"

"You sacks of shit are pathetic," said A. "I don't even know why the chief keeps you on the force."

"Yeah!" BB agreed. "You're such a waste of space and tax payers money!"

"Alright, BB," said Mello. "Why the hell do you look exactly like the chief? I mean, did the director just get lazy or was one of you made in a test tube?"

"What!?" A yelled.

"You and mother told me that was a lie!" yelled BB before he ran away crying.

"No! BB! Wait!"

"Wow," said Mello. "I was totally just joking."

"MELLO! NEAR!" the chief's voice came from the speaker. "IN MY OFFICE, NOW!"

"Uh, what the hell!? We just got here, how could we already be in trouble!?"

_LATER AT THE CHIEF'S OFFICE_

Chief Ryuzaki was eating a slice of cake. "So," he said calmly. "Can one of you explain to me why my best officer, Jack Soft, is currently in the hospital after being stuck under your car for the past twenty minutes?"

Mello snickered. "His name sounds like jack off, if you say it really fast. That's amazing."

Near sighed. "You're such an idiot."

"Me!? What the hell did I do!?"

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH BOTH OF YOU!" the chief yelled, suddenly filled with unimaginable rage. "I'm sick of having you two in my office every day for the dumbest shit! You are both an embarrassment to my force. I have half a mind to fire you two, but I need someone to take care of all the bullshit jobs in this town. So guess what? You're on security detail at the Shōnen Jump building three blocks down for the day. That will give me time to decide on what your actual punishment is going to be for crippling one of my officers."

"Shōnen Jump?" asked Mello. "Isn't that the place where Light Yagami works? C-chief, I don't know if that's such a good idea."

"Yeah, sir," Near agreed. "Ever since he became the owner of Shōnen Jump, Mr. Yagami hasn't been exactly, well... Sane. At all. In fact, I don't even know why he's still in business. He kills at least one employee a day just for his amusement."

"...I may actually have you stay there for the week if that's the case," Ryuzaki said. "Maybe you'll catch a bullet in his process."

"Oh, thanks sir," said Mello.

"You're welcome. Now get the hell out of my office."

_LATER AT SHŌNEN JUMP_

"Ugh!" Mello groaned. "This sucks big shinigami balls, Near! All we're doing is standing, doing nothing! So embarrassing."

Near glared at his partner. "Well Mello, maybe now you'll stop telling gross stories every day on the way to work and actually pay attention to the road when you're driving!"

Mello frowned. "Near, for the last time, they're not stories, Damn it! I really-"

"UUUGGGGHHHHHH!" a loud groan came from upstairs.

"What the hell was that!?"

"I don't know but we..." Near noticed Mello was now running upstairs, toward the source of the sound. "Mello!"

"Come on Near! We've finally got some action!"

"Mello, wait!" He began to chase after his friend.

When they got to the top of the stairs, Mello kicked the door to an office down, and the two officer's eyes widened in horror of the scene in front of them. "Oh dear god, he's holding his penis!"

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Light screamed as he turned toward them. "Oh, come on! Can't a man masturbate in peace!? Especially in the comfort of his own private office!?"

"Uh... Light, your office is literally glass walls. Everyone can see you."

Light turned to look at one of the walls, and sure enough, it was made of transparent glass. And outside the wall was Matsuda, who had watched the whole thing. "MY EYES!" Matsuda screamed as he ran around in circles, "MY EYES!"

"What the hell are you guys doing in here anyway!?" Light yelled as he looked back at the officers. "I thought I had a restraining order against-!"

"Sorry Mr. Yagami!" Near apologized. "We heard a scream from the security office and we came to... Wait, you put a restraining order on us!? What the hell for!?"

"Well, this is a prime example, right here! I'm in the middle of spanking a monkey or choking a smurf or whatever the hell you wanna call it, and you two just bust through my door without even so much as a courtesy knock! Fuck, I had a sign on the doorknob that said 'do not disturb'!"

"Oh!" Mello said as he realized it. "So the scream was him popping his top! Heh, heh. Oh man! What a misunderstanding that was!"

"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

"Near, I think we're fired."

_LATER AT THE STATION_

"YOU ARE BOTH FUCKING SUSPENDED AS OF NOW!" Ryuzaki screamed. "Give me your badges and your guns!"

"Really?" Mello asked. "Suspended? That's it? You're not firing us?"

"No... You both have tenure. Now get the fuck out of my office, I've had it with you two!"

_LATER OUTSIDE_

"Near, what are we gonna do?" Mello asked. "I'll go insane without this job." Near didn't respond. "Near?"

"Mello," he finally answered. "Just take me home. I need a break. From office. From you."

"Near, I..." he sighed. "Alright, get in the car."

And so the two got in Mello's car and began to drive away. But they stopped for a couple seconds when Mello ran another person over. "Really, Mello!?"

"Nope, nope! Not a cop! It was another hobo!"

_MEANWHILE_

Light slowly walked up to the building. In all honesty he was nervous. There wasn't a human alive who hadn't heard of this man. He was the most psychotic criminal to ever walk this Earth. Light didn't like working with criminals, but this was the only way to solve his problem. "Hold it!" a guard standing in front of the building said, pointing a gun the new leader of Shōnen Jump. "Whats your business here?"

"Uh... I'm here to see him. I have an appointment. My name is Light-"

"Mr. Yagami!" a voice called out from inside the building. "Please! Do come in! Hee, hee, hee." The guard moved out-of-the-way, watching Light enter through the doorway. Light then found himself face to face with a man wearing a green and purple suit. He had green hair, a bleach white face, black paint surrounding his eyes, and too much red paint on his lips. You can probably guess what villain it is from this description and the disclaimer. "I'm most surprised, Yagami boy. Out of all the people you could've chosen for this trivial task, you chose me."

"I..." Light cleared his throat. "I thought you were the best man for the job. I'm SICK of these two idiotic cops. All they do is ruin everything in my life. No matter what I try to do, they are always there. I need them taken care of. Can you handle that?"

"Handle that? Heh, heh. Oh, I can do much more than that. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE HEE HEH HEH!"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Death Note Cops Episode 4- Friendship**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

_Author's Note- I apologize if this is somewhat offensive. It's just that what was said in the series is said here, so please don't be mad at me. If you are easily offended, don't read._

"Welcome to Walmart. Welcome to Walmart. Welcome to Walmart. Welcome to Walmart." Mello sighed. "God, I hate my life."

Just then his boss decided to come over to him. "Mr. Keehl," he asked in a rather gay voice. "How are you enjoying your greeting job today?"

Mello looked at his boss. "Great. I absolutely love it."

"Oh! I am so pleased to hear! Well, keep up the good work, Mihael!" The boss turned around and began to walk away.

"Yup! Will do! Freaking homo."

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Carry on!" He turned around to see another person walking over to him. "Welcome to... Oh shit."

Near laughed as he walked over to his friend. "Mello? You're a greeter at Walmart? What the fuck?"

Mello rolled his eyes. "Yes, ha, ha, lets all laugh at the jobless cop who's working at Walmart. Yeah, thanks Near. Real great emotional support I'm getting from you here."

Near raised an eyebrow. "Mello. We've been suspended for a week. And you're getting paid. Why are you working at Walmart?"

Mello crossed his arms. "Look Near. Being a cop was my life, and I am now suspended from my life. Do you have any idea how that feels? No, you probably don't. Well I do. I'm living it man and it sucks. Sucks real hard."

"Well Mello, its your own damn fault we're in this situation to begin with."

Mello's eyes widened. "What!? How is this my fault!?"

"How is it your fault!? You're the one who causes all the problems to happen to us every time!"

"Oh, that is bullshit!"

"No it's not! Who hooks up somebody's testicles to a car battery and makes them explode!? Twice!?"

"I do, because I'm a badass cop!"

"You're not a badass cop Mello, you are a fucking idiot!"

"Wha... How dare you!?"

"How dare I!? Who does that!? You've run over random people in the street because you don't pay attention to the road when you drive, because you're telling me these ridiculous gross stories, mostly involving a hamster, and a ton of mayonnaise, I don't even know what, I don't even want to put that together, you're reckless, arrogant, self-centered, and you don't give a rat's ass about me or anybody else you work with on the job! You're a safety hazard, Mello! A life risk! That is why you lost your job, and because I'm your partner, I LOST MINE TOO!"

"Yeah!? Well you know what I think!?"

"I don't really give a rat's ass what you think, Mello! The chief made me your partner, because I was supposed to keep an eye on you and maybe bring you around! But I can see that's not gonna fucking happen since we both don't work together any more!"

"Well maybe I like it that way! Did you ever think about that!? Maybe I work better on my own!"

"Fine! I'll get a new partner! I'm sure the chief will be happy to have me back at least!"

"Fine! Get another partner! See if I give a shit!"

"Oh I bet you will! It'll eat away at you until finally you come crawling back with tears in your eyes and shit filled in your pants!"

"What, I... You know what? Fuck you Near! You are no longer my friend! I don't wanna see your face and near me anywhere! You got that!?"

"That didn't make any fucking sense at all!"

"Just get out of here, Near!"

At that moment, Mello's boss decided to walk back over to him. "Mihael, is everything ok?"

"Fuck off, ya fairy! I quit!" After that, Mello stormed off.

"...Goodness. Whats burning his honey buns?"

Near looked at him. "W-what?"

_MEANWHILE_

"Fucking asshole," Mello said as he punched a car. "I'm a great cop! Near doesn't know what the hell he's talking about!" He looked back at the direction he came from. He sighed. "Ah, shit. I'd better go back and apologize." But before he could take one step, he was knocked out.

_LATER_

Mello's eyes slowly opened. He looked at the creepy man standing in front of him. "Oh what the... OW! My jaw hurts... Oh dear god, I didn't get mouth raped, did I?"

"No, I'm afraid that's not how I work. But, soon you'll see exactly what my plans are. HA HA HA HA HA HEE HEE!"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


End file.
